Truth Lies

 Growing up I always prayed, God make me smaller and you larger. Take all of me and turn it into something else, something beautiful like you. I have a stack of journals full of prayers praying myself away to glorify God. 

I learned from my church community that I was a sinner and needed to be saved. I was unholy and God was Holy. I needed to die to myself, empty myself out so that the only thing that remained was Him.

These words resonate in a loud hollow sound. I see myself weeping 12, 16, 18, 20 years old in the alter at church begging God to fill me with more of him so that I may not live but Christ may live in me. 

At 34 I am unlearning these truth lies. 

I struggle with self worth, insecurity, trust, shame and fear. I didn’t have a center I could draw from inside myself because anything inside myself was bad and needed to be prayed away. I looked to God and others for everything, where should I go to college, who should I marry, what should I do, who should I be? I asked these questions and tried to fulfill them the best I knew how, I listened and followed those who I thought were the closest to God because for some reason God wasn’t giving me direct answers. Why couldn’t God just lay it out for me? I was willing to do anything and everything for Him. 

My youth pastor shared a teaching that said, “if you are on the board you are in the game”. It meant if you were committed to God all the choices in front of you were valid options to choose and still be in Gods will. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, I just didn’t understand. I didn’t want to just be in Gods will I wanted to be on his anointed path. So which one was it? If it’s not me that’s living but Christ that is in me which way is the right way? A teacher, a nurse, a missionary, a pastors wife? 

At 24 my pastor husband got a job in a new church community. It was the warmest most welcoming and offensive community and I fell in love. I couldn’t figure out how to fit in, I finally asked how should I be showing up, who do you want me to be? 

We want you to be you. 

The beginning of an end.