Friendship

I will be living in a different state one week from today. For the past 5 years California has been home. There are so many things I could say about these years I could share about how our church family took us in glaring brokenness, or about how the sun shines bright and warm everyday, or about how perfect our little home is nestled on the hill near the beach, or how much I have fallen deeper in love with my husband, or how much I learned through counseling or what a privilege it has been to be on staff and lead the children at Lbcf or how we had our first perfect little boy here but tonight as I lay in bed what occupies my mind is friendship. 

I was never really good at friendship. I guess somehow I missed how to reach out and be inquisitive and intentional and create space and make myself vaulnerable to someone else, someone who could say no to me. I guess that sheds light on it doesn't it? It's not that I 'missed it' but it's that I have been afraid of rejection so I just simply didn't engage. Well all of that changed when I moved to California and met some pretty incredible women. 

I have made multiple friendships, some life long and others short and sweet but the most impactful came from three beautiful women (four including me) who gathered to do life together one week at a time. It started when we decided to do a bible study together and from there it flourished. 

These women have taught me how to be a true friend. They didn't sit me down and present to me the most important traits to a successful friendship they just chose me and I was smitten. We celebrated and came up with creative ways to cherish each other, we held each other and cried when we thought our worlds were crumbling to the ground, we played and laughed and acted like children, we made pacts and talked about getting tattoos, we bought each other gifts each time we went away, we chose each other through the thick times and the thin times. These girls mean more to me than I can put words to. I am sad that this time of living so close to one another is over, so sad that I don't want it to end but I'm reminded that in each ending there is an opportunity for a new beginning. So with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat I will gather the courage I have gained from these beautiful women and I will kiss the face of this new beginning. 

It's my turn now to go off to Washington and be the friend I want to have. I have the opportunity to take all these precious friendships with me in my heart and venture out to collect more. It's scary but I have these friends warn deep in my heart to help me through. I know now that even if I am rejected I am still chosen and I have friends who will be with me through it all. 

Here's to friendship and new beginnings. 

Change

Change is hard. I always thought I was a person who embraced change. I think I may have mistaken change for adventure because I like adventures. I like it when things don't always go according to plan. Maybe a flight is canceled or a snow storm comes in and it throws everyone's schedules out of whack and we're forced to stay home from work and walk to the grocery store. Or the power goes out and it's every man for himself scrounging for candles in the dark. Or the car breaks down on a road trip... The disruption feels like adventure and I like that. Don't get me wrong I want my neatly calculated plans to work out too. I want to control my environment by getting through my todo list, keeping my boy on his schedule and not be too inconvenienced or heaven forbid, be forced to do something I don't want to do. But change is different. Change sneaks in sometimes disguised as adventure until you get close enough to see it actually requires more than I feel comfortable giving up.

Change is the opposite of comfort. It's comfortable to keep everything the same, even if it's things I am struggling with or wish were different. These struggles are familiar, they almost feel like close friends. We've spent a lot of time together, me and my struggles and I talk about them all the time. If I embrace this change and move forward in it I'll have new struggles and challenges to face. New means change and change is uncomfortable. 

I guess I'm not a girl who likes change. I like adventure but I want it to stay in my well layed parameters. I know I will end up embracing this change but it's hard and there is part of me that doesn't want to even if it means an exchange for something greater. 

This is reminding me of how I am with God sometimes. I can be like a child gripping tight to my ratty old toy not wanting to let go but God is there holding a new toy that is perfect and soft and smells sweet. This toy isn't ripped and stained but it also doesn't have the history or memories connected to it. If I accepted the new toy I would have to start all over and form new bond with new memories. I guess you could say it takes faith to reach out and embrace the unknown. It takes faith to embrace change. Faith is the opposite of certainty and change to me is not certain.