Change

Change is hard. I always thought I was a person who embraced change. I think I may have mistaken change for adventure because I like adventures. I like it when things don't always go according to plan. Maybe a flight is canceled or a snow storm comes in and it throws everyone's schedules out of whack and we're forced to stay home from work and walk to the grocery store. Or the power goes out and it's every man for himself scrounging for candles in the dark. Or the car breaks down on a road trip... The disruption feels like adventure and I like that. Don't get me wrong I want my neatly calculated plans to work out too. I want to control my environment by getting through my todo list, keeping my boy on his schedule and not be too inconvenienced or heaven forbid, be forced to do something I don't want to do. But change is different. Change sneaks in sometimes disguised as adventure until you get close enough to see it actually requires more than I feel comfortable giving up.

Change is the opposite of comfort. It's comfortable to keep everything the same, even if it's things I am struggling with or wish were different. These struggles are familiar, they almost feel like close friends. We've spent a lot of time together, me and my struggles and I talk about them all the time. If I embrace this change and move forward in it I'll have new struggles and challenges to face. New means change and change is uncomfortable. 

I guess I'm not a girl who likes change. I like adventure but I want it to stay in my well layed parameters. I know I will end up embracing this change but it's hard and there is part of me that doesn't want to even if it means an exchange for something greater. 

This is reminding me of how I am with God sometimes. I can be like a child gripping tight to my ratty old toy not wanting to let go but God is there holding a new toy that is perfect and soft and smells sweet. This toy isn't ripped and stained but it also doesn't have the history or memories connected to it. If I accepted the new toy I would have to start all over and form new bond with new memories. I guess you could say it takes faith to reach out and embrace the unknown. It takes faith to embrace change. Faith is the opposite of certainty and change to me is not certain.