Truth Lies

 Growing up I always prayed, God make me smaller and you larger. Take all of me and turn it into something else, something beautiful like you. I have a stack of journals full of prayers praying myself away to glorify God. 

I learned from my church community that I was a sinner and needed to be saved. I was unholy and God was Holy. I needed to die to myself, empty myself out so that the only thing that remained was Him.

These words resonate in a loud hollow sound. I see myself weeping 12, 16, 18, 20 years old in the alter at church begging God to fill me with more of him so that I may not live but Christ may live in me. 

At 34 I am unlearning these truth lies. 

I struggle with self worth, insecurity, trust, shame and fear. I didn’t have a center I could draw from inside myself because anything inside myself was bad and needed to be prayed away. I looked to God and others for everything, where should I go to college, who should I marry, what should I do, who should I be? I asked these questions and tried to fulfill them the best I knew how, I listened and followed those who I thought were the closest to God because for some reason God wasn’t giving me direct answers. Why couldn’t God just lay it out for me? I was willing to do anything and everything for Him. 

My youth pastor shared a teaching that said, “if you are on the board you are in the game”. It meant if you were committed to God all the choices in front of you were valid options to choose and still be in Gods will. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, I just didn’t understand. I didn’t want to just be in Gods will I wanted to be on his anointed path. So which one was it? If it’s not me that’s living but Christ that is in me which way is the right way? A teacher, a nurse, a missionary, a pastors wife? 

At 24 my pastor husband got a job in a new church community. It was the warmest most welcoming and offensive community and I fell in love. I couldn’t figure out how to fit in, I finally asked how should I be showing up, who do you want me to be? 

We want you to be you. 

The beginning of an end. 

Today I cracked

I was barely making it through bedtime routine when Dietrich said, “mama why are you so grumpy??” I responded with, “Because I’ve had enough! I want you to listen to me when I ask you to do something. Do you think I like holding you tight when you are kicking, hitting and yelling at me?? Do you think I want to hold you still to give you your medicine and get you to do the neti pot while you are screaming?? This has been such a hard day and I’m tired and mad and my heart hurts”. At this point I am ugly crying with tears streaming down my face while both boys are standing there staring at me. Dietrich makes the first move. He comes over to me sits on my lap and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight and rubbing my back. I sat on the bedroom floor crying while my 5 year old held me in his arms. 

It has been a hard day, hard in the context of a typical day at home with my 5 and 2 year old. 

I want to be more intensional in my patenting so I am learning a new way to parent (new to my ‘I’ve got this I’ll just go with my instinct’ parenting up until this point) called Respectful Parenting and this week more than ever I feel it and the kids feel it too. Just to top it all off I’m single parenting as Chris is on the other side of the country all week. 

Today I had to call in sick for work because Dietrich woke up with pink eye along with a congested head cold. We had five rounds of eye drop and sinus rinse fights in a day filled with mixed emotions with my new discipline strategies and feeling the lack of connection with Chris out of town.

I decompressed after the boys went to bed with popcorn, chocolate, a glass of red wine and reality TV. Once I made my way upstairs I found a book sitting on my pillow. While I was tucking Bodi into bed Dietrich said he would be right back because he wanted to give me a book to read tonight. I said yes just come right back to bed - not noticing the book he had in his hand (thinking it may have been one of his favorite transformers books). It wasn’t. It was Love You Forever (you know, the one where the kid grows up making a total mess of life —being a kid, and the mom holds him every night and sings over him, ‘I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be’. Yeah that book. I begin uncontrollably sobbing. I also just happen to be talking to Chris on the phone who is completely confused and a little concerned hearing my gasp and immediate break down. I calmed his nerves once I was able to talk through my tears. My sweet boy picked this story for me to read and give me comfort as I went to bed tonight. I’m undone.