Truth Lies

 Growing up I always prayed, God make me smaller and you larger. Take all of me and turn it into something else, something beautiful like you. I have a stack of journals full of prayers praying myself away to glorify God. 

I learned from my church community that I was a sinner and needed to be saved. I was unholy and God was Holy. I needed to die to myself, empty myself out so that the only thing that remained was Him.

These words resonate in a loud hollow sound. I see myself weeping 12, 16, 18, 20 years old in the alter at church begging God to fill me with more of him so that I may not live but Christ may live in me. 

At 34 I am unlearning these truth lies. 

I struggle with self worth, insecurity, trust, shame and fear. I didn’t have a center I could draw from inside myself because anything inside myself was bad and needed to be prayed away. I looked to God and others for everything, where should I go to college, who should I marry, what should I do, who should I be? I asked these questions and tried to fulfill them the best I knew how, I listened and followed those who I thought were the closest to God because for some reason God wasn’t giving me direct answers. Why couldn’t God just lay it out for me? I was willing to do anything and everything for Him. 

My youth pastor shared a teaching that said, “if you are on the board you are in the game”. It meant if you were committed to God all the choices in front of you were valid options to choose and still be in Gods will. I couldn’t wrap my brain around it, I just didn’t understand. I didn’t want to just be in Gods will I wanted to be on his anointed path. So which one was it? If it’s not me that’s living but Christ that is in me which way is the right way? A teacher, a nurse, a missionary, a pastors wife? 

At 24 my pastor husband got a job in a new church community. It was the warmest most welcoming and offensive community and I fell in love. I couldn’t figure out how to fit in, I finally asked how should I be showing up, who do you want me to be? 

We want you to be you. 

The beginning of an end. 

Today I cracked

I was barely making it through bedtime routine when Dietrich said, “mama why are you so grumpy??” I responded with, “Because I’ve had enough! I want you to listen to me when I ask you to do something. Do you think I like holding you tight when you are kicking, hitting and yelling at me?? Do you think I want to hold you still to give you your medicine and get you to do the neti pot while you are screaming?? This has been such a hard day and I’m tired and mad and my heart hurts”. At this point I am ugly crying with tears streaming down my face while both boys are standing there staring at me. Dietrich makes the first move. He comes over to me sits on my lap and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight and rubbing my back. I sat on the bedroom floor crying while my 5 year old held me in his arms. 

It has been a hard day, hard in the context of a typical day at home with my 5 and 2 year old. 

I want to be more intensional in my patenting so I am learning a new way to parent (new to my ‘I’ve got this I’ll just go with my instinct’ parenting up until this point) called Respectful Parenting and this week more than ever I feel it and the kids feel it too. Just to top it all off I’m single parenting as Chris is on the other side of the country all week. 

Today I had to call in sick for work because Dietrich woke up with pink eye along with a congested head cold. We had five rounds of eye drop and sinus rinse fights in a day filled with mixed emotions with my new discipline strategies and feeling the lack of connection with Chris out of town.

I decompressed after the boys went to bed with popcorn, chocolate, a glass of red wine and reality TV. Once I made my way upstairs I found a book sitting on my pillow. While I was tucking Bodi into bed Dietrich said he would be right back because he wanted to give me a book to read tonight. I said yes just come right back to bed - not noticing the book he had in his hand (thinking it may have been one of his favorite transformers books). It wasn’t. It was Love You Forever (you know, the one where the kid grows up making a total mess of life —being a kid, and the mom holds him every night and sings over him, ‘I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be’. Yeah that book. I begin uncontrollably sobbing. I also just happen to be talking to Chris on the phone who is completely confused and a little concerned hearing my gasp and immediate break down. I calmed his nerves once I was able to talk through my tears. My sweet boy picked this story for me to read and give me comfort as I went to bed tonight. I’m undone.

Deep dive

I used to listen to worship music (and cry more often than not) all the time. Music like Jesus Culture and Hilsong. This music amped me up and made me feel close to God. It’s been a couple of years since this music has been in the culture of my life. I have found refuge in liturgy and poetry and hymns, the quiet roots of these truths have found their way deep into my heart. That said, I found myself interrupted today. Interrupted by the loud heart cry of the song below, You Alone by Lauren Daigle. I felt my proud tired heart melt into a beautiful puddle it tears.

I haven’t had a good nights sleep, by good I mean longer than a 3 hour stretch, in months. Sleep depravation is real. Bodin has been sick with a cold for 3 weeks with coughing and congestion that get worse at night. It just so happens he is also 4 months old and having major sleep regression. This has brought me to the end of myself. I thought I was going crazy, I wanted to cry and throw things and take a nap all at the same time. Easy tasks have become impossible. I. Am. So. Tired.

I took yesterday and today off work just to collect myself and find myself again. Sleeping in, yoga at the gym, sitting in silence -buying a super cute new pair of shoes, and listening to this song has felt like a balm of refreshment over my heart and soul.

In all honesty I am still exhausted AND I’m centered. I don’t feel like colapsing in on myself. We are beginning sleep training for Bodin this week so I know I will have more sleepless nights in front of me AND I have grounding to hold myself up. I have an incredible husband who is supportive and tells me to take time off work. I have two moms who watch my sweet boys when I need to collapse and find myself again. I have two healthy boys I get to smoother with kisses.

I am tired and I am full of life (I may need to be reminded of the later).

"You Alone"

When this life has overwhelmed me
And I feel like giving up
I will cling to all You've promised
It will always be enough

When the world around me crumbles
And it's hard to understand
I will run to You, my shelter
I am safe within Your hands
Oh, you are my help forever

I will not fear
God, You are with me
I know You're near
You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone

When I'm broken in the silence
I can hear You whispering,
"You're not alone here in these trials
I would hold you faithfully."
Oh, you are my help forever

I will not fear
God, You are with me
I know You're near
You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone

And when my heart and strength have failed me
My God, You won't
Your name is mighty
I will trust in You alone

[3x]
You are a fortress for the weak
The strength that carries me
When I am on my knees
The cross reminds my heart to trust
Your faithfulness and love
Will always be enough

I will not fear
God, You are with me
I know You're near
You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone

And when my heart and strength have failed me
My God, You won't
Your name is mighty
I will trust in You alone [3x]

I will not fear
God, You are with me
I know You're near
You'll never leave me
I will trust in You alone [3x]

Discontentment

I have this problem being content. As soon as things begin to have rhythm I start inwardly questioning myself, what am I doing with my life, I want a vacation. This discontentment has followed me in these times for my whole adult life. I wonder if other people feel this way. 

I got to work 45min early this morning, I'm working on the bus system and so far it has me beat. 0 and 1 for community transit -on the upside I'm not late for work. However, this arriving early is what gave space for the discontentment in my heart to surface. If I continue to proactively move from one thing to the next there isn't time for my heart to speak to me and let me know how it really feels. Lately I find that when these times of quiet come unless I am distracted by something that makes these times enjoyable -that sounds backwards but I mean something beautiful to engage my mind or a good book to pick up, unless those are there to help fill the peaceful place I go to this place of sad discontentment. I'm sure it won't last long but those are my musings this April 14th morning. 

Friendship

I will be living in a different state one week from today. For the past 5 years California has been home. There are so many things I could say about these years I could share about how our church family took us in glaring brokenness, or about how the sun shines bright and warm everyday, or about how perfect our little home is nestled on the hill near the beach, or how much I have fallen deeper in love with my husband, or how much I learned through counseling or what a privilege it has been to be on staff and lead the children at Lbcf or how we had our first perfect little boy here but tonight as I lay in bed what occupies my mind is friendship. 

I was never really good at friendship. I guess somehow I missed how to reach out and be inquisitive and intentional and create space and make myself vaulnerable to someone else, someone who could say no to me. I guess that sheds light on it doesn't it? It's not that I 'missed it' but it's that I have been afraid of rejection so I just simply didn't engage. Well all of that changed when I moved to California and met some pretty incredible women. 

I have made multiple friendships, some life long and others short and sweet but the most impactful came from three beautiful women (four including me) who gathered to do life together one week at a time. It started when we decided to do a bible study together and from there it flourished. 

These women have taught me how to be a true friend. They didn't sit me down and present to me the most important traits to a successful friendship they just chose me and I was smitten. We celebrated and came up with creative ways to cherish each other, we held each other and cried when we thought our worlds were crumbling to the ground, we played and laughed and acted like children, we made pacts and talked about getting tattoos, we bought each other gifts each time we went away, we chose each other through the thick times and the thin times. These girls mean more to me than I can put words to. I am sad that this time of living so close to one another is over, so sad that I don't want it to end but I'm reminded that in each ending there is an opportunity for a new beginning. So with a heavy heart and a lump in my throat I will gather the courage I have gained from these beautiful women and I will kiss the face of this new beginning. 

It's my turn now to go off to Washington and be the friend I want to have. I have the opportunity to take all these precious friendships with me in my heart and venture out to collect more. It's scary but I have these friends warn deep in my heart to help me through. I know now that even if I am rejected I am still chosen and I have friends who will be with me through it all. 

Here's to friendship and new beginnings. 

Change

Change is hard. I always thought I was a person who embraced change. I think I may have mistaken change for adventure because I like adventures. I like it when things don't always go according to plan. Maybe a flight is canceled or a snow storm comes in and it throws everyone's schedules out of whack and we're forced to stay home from work and walk to the grocery store. Or the power goes out and it's every man for himself scrounging for candles in the dark. Or the car breaks down on a road trip... The disruption feels like adventure and I like that. Don't get me wrong I want my neatly calculated plans to work out too. I want to control my environment by getting through my todo list, keeping my boy on his schedule and not be too inconvenienced or heaven forbid, be forced to do something I don't want to do. But change is different. Change sneaks in sometimes disguised as adventure until you get close enough to see it actually requires more than I feel comfortable giving up.

Change is the opposite of comfort. It's comfortable to keep everything the same, even if it's things I am struggling with or wish were different. These struggles are familiar, they almost feel like close friends. We've spent a lot of time together, me and my struggles and I talk about them all the time. If I embrace this change and move forward in it I'll have new struggles and challenges to face. New means change and change is uncomfortable. 

I guess I'm not a girl who likes change. I like adventure but I want it to stay in my well layed parameters. I know I will end up embracing this change but it's hard and there is part of me that doesn't want to even if it means an exchange for something greater. 

This is reminding me of how I am with God sometimes. I can be like a child gripping tight to my ratty old toy not wanting to let go but God is there holding a new toy that is perfect and soft and smells sweet. This toy isn't ripped and stained but it also doesn't have the history or memories connected to it. If I accepted the new toy I would have to start all over and form new bond with new memories. I guess you could say it takes faith to reach out and embrace the unknown. It takes faith to embrace change. Faith is the opposite of certainty and change to me is not certain. 

December 23rd 2014

Today we memorialize my Dad. He died on December 5th at 2pm. He was so young but chose to live a hard life that lead to his death. Alcoholism took him farther than he wanted to go and made him pay more than he ever wanted to pay. He couldn't see past his brokenness so he clung to the bottle for life and it stole it from him. Now we, his three children are left to grieve a life lived in want and let go of hope that someday we will have a better relationship with him.

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=udJjT-LMnIs

Emanuel God with us, Jesus our Lord and savior we choose to worship you this day. This day December 23rd the day we memorialize our Dads death. Jesus, Emanuel come be with us. Fill us with strength and grace may this day be a day of worship set aside to honor you. Dad chose not to live for you but we, his legacy left here on earth, we choose to lift you up and honor you with our lives. Be lifted up in our words and actions fill our hearts with thanksgiving and mouths with your praise. May our mourning and grieving even be a sweet sound to your ears.