Today I cracked

I was barely making it through bedtime routine when Dietrich said, “mama why are you so grumpy??” I responded with, “Because I’ve had enough! I want you to listen to me when I ask you to do something. Do you think I like holding you tight when you are kicking, hitting and yelling at me?? Do you think I want to hold you still to give you your medicine and get you to do the neti pot while you are screaming?? This has been such a hard day and I’m tired and mad and my heart hurts”. At this point I am ugly crying with tears streaming down my face while both boys are standing there staring at me. Dietrich makes the first move. He comes over to me sits on my lap and wraps his arms around me, holding me tight and rubbing my back. I sat on the bedroom floor crying while my 5 year old held me in his arms. 

It has been a hard day, hard in the context of a typical day at home with my 5 and 2 year old. 

I want to be more intensional in my patenting so I am learning a new way to parent (new to my ‘I’ve got this I’ll just go with my instinct’ parenting up until this point) called Respectful Parenting and this week more than ever I feel it and the kids feel it too. Just to top it all off I’m single parenting as Chris is on the other side of the country all week. 

Today I had to call in sick for work because Dietrich woke up with pink eye along with a congested head cold. We had five rounds of eye drop and sinus rinse fights in a day filled with mixed emotions with my new discipline strategies and feeling the lack of connection with Chris out of town.

I decompressed after the boys went to bed with popcorn, chocolate, a glass of red wine and reality TV. Once I made my way upstairs I found a book sitting on my pillow. While I was tucking Bodi into bed Dietrich said he would be right back because he wanted to give me a book to read tonight. I said yes just come right back to bed - not noticing the book he had in his hand (thinking it may have been one of his favorite transformers books). It wasn’t. It was Love You Forever (you know, the one where the kid grows up making a total mess of life —being a kid, and the mom holds him every night and sings over him, ‘I’ll love you forever I’ll like you for always as long as I’m living my baby you’ll be’. Yeah that book. I begin uncontrollably sobbing. I also just happen to be talking to Chris on the phone who is completely confused and a little concerned hearing my gasp and immediate break down. I calmed his nerves once I was able to talk through my tears. My sweet boy picked this story for me to read and give me comfort as I went to bed tonight. I’m undone.