I'm reading a new book its called, Grace for the Good Girl. The author writes from her perspective of knowing Jesus almost her entire life and about the struggles she has faced learning how to live life well. My mind is being held captive by a concept I read the other day, it keeps surfacing and haunting me. Jesus says in John 12:24, a grain of wheat stays alone and remains just as it is unless it falls to the ground and dies. This sounds horrible. Everyday I expend energy on things that bring life, it feels unnatural and wrong to promote death. Falling to the ground and dying means I have to give up control. Control stabilizes me, it keeps my life in order and holds everything together without control I fear I would fall apart or worse, fall to the ground and die.
Control has enabled me to be good. Being in relationship with Jesus comes easy. I've known Him almost my entire life, I only have a few memories that don't include Him. I trust Jesus, how could I not, He has never left me and He always does what is best for me. I model my life after Him, I choose to include Him in everything I do and I wouldn't have it any other way. There is a path I think Jesus wants my life to be on and I learn to walk it by reading scripture and watching others.
Control is an integral part of my life on this path. It enables me to choose what is right and produce results, fruit, isn't that a good thing?
The part I often miss is my efforts still fall short. No matter how well put together or how hard I try I am still not good enough. There is nothing I can do or create or manipulate on my own. Ultimately it comes down to surrender. Control looks very practical and helpful, but under the surface it is squeezing the life out of me. My control must fall to the ground and die in order to produce life.
I want to learn how to release.
My life may appear a certain way outwardly but internally I am in a perpetual struggle. I want to be enough, know the right things, have what it takes, so I control.
While I was praying I saw a picture of a rat maze and I was inside. The walls of the maze were constructed by me and as time went on and life changes took place the maze grew larger. Then without warning I heard a voice that I knew to be Jesus' saying, I want to set you free. At that moment the walls of the maze bent forward and I walked out. He lead me to the edge of the bluff and said this is all yours, I want you to live in freedom.
I had build my own prison and gave Jesus the role of the guard. When all along His story for me is vast open space. Terrifying when navigating along but that is the beauty in it. I was not created to be alone, I am created to surrender my life to Jesus and gain his life. Freedom.
Lord teach me how to release control and live
in the freedom you have set before me.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; keep standing firm
and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1
Control is an integral part of my life on this path. It enables me to choose what is right and produce results, fruit, isn't that a good thing?
The part I often miss is my efforts still fall short. No matter how well put together or how hard I try I am still not good enough. There is nothing I can do or create or manipulate on my own. Ultimately it comes down to surrender. Control looks very practical and helpful, but under the surface it is squeezing the life out of me. My control must fall to the ground and die in order to produce life.
I want to learn how to release.
My life may appear a certain way outwardly but internally I am in a perpetual struggle. I want to be enough, know the right things, have what it takes, so I control.
While I was praying I saw a picture of a rat maze and I was inside. The walls of the maze were constructed by me and as time went on and life changes took place the maze grew larger. Then without warning I heard a voice that I knew to be Jesus' saying, I want to set you free. At that moment the walls of the maze bent forward and I walked out. He lead me to the edge of the bluff and said this is all yours, I want you to live in freedom.
I had build my own prison and gave Jesus the role of the guard. When all along His story for me is vast open space. Terrifying when navigating along but that is the beauty in it. I was not created to be alone, I am created to surrender my life to Jesus and gain his life. Freedom.
Lord teach me how to release control and live
in the freedom you have set before me.
It is for freedom that Christ has set us free; keep standing firm
and do not be subject again to a yoke of slavery.
Galatians 5:1
